I don't know why I think of these things... But they just come to me. Which is a lot like the title of my life story, should I ever get around to writing it. I probably won't. Whoever does write it better have a good fuggin' grasp on the English language. I will haunt a mother fucker who writes about me and totally massacres the grammar.
So Mr. Guy and I were talking about whatever it is we kids these days talk about, which is never anything less than rated R, and for some reason I bust out with "Well, if I were a man, we'd probably be best friends. But you wouldn't want to sleep with me." Which, is totally true. Let's face it... some guys date girls specifically because they don't want to date men. But then I got to thinking, if I were a guy, I would still be awesome, but I probably wouldn't be beating women off of me. I'd be a total man's man. A beer and chips and burgers and raw meat and peeing outside because we can MAN. And the more I think about it, the happier I get that I have a vagina. Because so much of what makes me ME is only exciting and interesting and cool BECAUSE I'm a girl, and not very many other girls do the same stuff. But men... well most of them do this stuff too much.
#1. My Boobs. Let's face it. They're much too big to be acceptable moobs on a man. Not to mention, not many people look to date men with boobs. It's not that I walk away from them, but if we're sharing bras, I find it to be a bit too competitive of a market, you know? If I had moobs comparable to what I'm packing today, I'd never get laid. Except for hookers. And I'm not paying for sex when I can buy Jergens for 95 cents. And plus, boobs aren't interesting to me. Neither are butts, to be honest. So there's the distinct possibility there would be no joy in my life. Because everyone knows, you can't be a red-blooded man if you don't love boobs. And butts.
#2. I like dick jokes. The bawdier, the better. I'm the first one in with a perverted statement, and I laugh hysterically at movies that are made for teenage boys. I think jokes about dutch rudders are hilarious. I have a great sense of humor, even if it runs on the heavy side of perverted as hell. Guys like chicks who have the kind of sense of humor they don't have to censor themselves around. It doesn't mean they want to date it, but my chances are higher than a man who is always making the same perverted jokes. We ladies call those men "sleazy."
#3. I like Beer. If I was a man who wanted to sit around and talk about beer all day, I'd be given a trucker hat and told to sit down on my bleacher seat, NASCAR is on. But since I'm a lady, men look at me in an almost reverent awe, and women look at me like, "Bitch, you know you hate that shit." I love both responses. But mainly- I fucking love beer.
#4. I like saying things like 'fingerblasting' and 'douchekabob' and 'vag-monster.' I like saying cruse and obnoxious things. I don't know why, I just do. Men who do this are known as good old boys.
#5. I'm slightly obsessed with TMNT. And Iron Man. And The Hobbit. And Batman. And gamer magazines. Which probably ensures that if I were a man, I wouldn't ever get laid on a regular basis. Well, mostly not. Unless I found that one specific made-for-me person. But that could take forever. I kind of like the idea that there are numerous randoms I can continue to have hot-not-made-for-me sex with. I don't plan on having any, but the idea that it's available is quite nice.
#6. If I were a man, I'd play videogames. I can't figure them out now. I have too many thigns going on in my head at any given time to actually accomplish anything at all. But if I were a man, I'd play shit like Call of Duty and Gears of War all the damn time. I mean, how can you not? It just seems so obvious. I'd sit down with my beer and non-diet soda and my cheese puffs and friggin' play video games for days. Because I could. And because I wouldn't have 453,463,245 going through my head so I could remember that the red button makes it jump, and the blue button makes it shoot but the red and the blue buttons together, if pressed with the trigger button, launches RPGs and ruins lives.
#7. I love football. I mean, I LOVE it. I don't care who is playing. I don't care where they are playing. I want to watch it. I love Chicago, but I really love the game in general. The sights. The smells. The turf. The feel. I feel like it's a male-dominated fanbase already, so I'd be lost in a sea of footballers. And UFC... well. Who doesn't like to watch that? It's great.
I can keep going, but really? Who needs to? I'm female for a reason- I didn't stand a fighting chance as a man. That's why. The possibility of reproduction, short of a "Knocked Up" episode happening, was nearly nil as a man. So, by all rights of survival, I had to be born a girl. You're welcome, America. I clearly made the right choice by being born with lady-bits. I give men something to fantasize about and women something to aspire to. Yup. It's a blessing and a curse.
BOOM.
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