My CPR Certification Has Lapsed- I Won't Be Saving You.

I vacillate between really wanting to be a runner, and really enjoying my couch. It's a really crappy mental tug of war. There's like, this huge part of me that wants nothing more than to throw on my jogging pants(who the hell decided to call them jogging pants? My legs are doing the jogging... Not the pants.) and run like the Zombies are going to get me. Which is totally cool. Because I feel incredible when I do it. I force myself to run until I'm fairly certain my spleen is going to burst forth from my abdomen and call a time-out. Which inevitably makes me push harder next time around. But it also makes me annoyed as shit by the other people on the path... Seriously. Get out of my way, folks. I'm a tear-down and rebuilding MACHINE over here, do you not SEE THIS HAPPENING?! MOVE! 
And it's like people KNOW you don't want them around you. It's like they can just feel you tensing up as they near you, and they then decide to match your speed. This old lady ran beside me for nearly my entire run today, which just pissed me off to no end. How was I supposed to know she was a bit competitive? It wasn't my fault she was going slower than me... So I passed her. I didn't see this as a problem, since I left plenty of room and I didn't cut her off, though I kind of wish I had, now. 
Out of nowhere, she goes zooming past me and kind of huffs loudly as she goes past. She might have been dying a little bit, I don't know... I didn't check. I chalked it up to maybe she ahd the same running strategy as I do, and she speeds up for a bit, then slows down. Turns out... she does. She speeds up to pass me, and slows down so she can be a self-appointed fucking speed regulator and ruin my run. The first time it happened, I figured she'd get over it. The second time, I got pissed. Seriously, lady, you're slower than I am, and frankly, you're just being annoying. I will push you over, and possibly break your hip. And winner-winner, chicken dinner, my CPR certification is out of date, so if you start having myocardial infarction, you're on your own.

I'm just listening to my music and plotting my next move if she should try the same thing again, and of course... She does. This time, I had it planned out. I already figured it out. You know the band The Lonely Island? They have this song... And it's inappropriate, and hilarious, and wonderful, and PERFECT. Just. EFFING. Perfect. She's literally running right beside me, and I just belt it out... "I JUST HAD SEX... AND IT FELT SO GOOD... I JUST HAD SEEEEEX... AND I'LL NEVER GO BACK TO THE NON-SEX HAVING DAYS OF THE PAST..." Truth. I sang it as loud as I could, and I just kept singing. I don't care if that is someone's grandma. I don't care if that was someone's mother. You wanna run with me? We're gonna sing some of my songs, then. Let me sing you the song of my people, Grams. Let me sing you the song of my people. If you don't know that song, please look it up. It will make your day. "She put a bag on my head... STILL COUNTS!"

I read her lips- "I never..." Well, I never asked you to run with me, Sweetpea, so I suppose we're even.  



I have this sick and twisted idea in my head that I want to run a 5K this year. Which is odd, because I've never run a race and enjoyed it in my entire life. Well, not since I was in 2nd grade and Ryan Fletcher was the only kid faster than me, but that was because he was a cheater and cut the corners... Y'all with me? It's just an idea bouncing around in my head right now, but you know... (: