Thanksgiving is in two days. That's kind of exciting. I'm a fat kid, and I honestly can't tell you how many times a year I think, "SHIT. Is it time for pie, yet?!" And then I immediately have one of those, "Hey, you should really try getting back into running again," phases, where I contemplate the idea of running again in an effort to tone up a bit. Then I remember that no, I don't really want to do that, because last time I lost a full cup size in my bra and frankly- that sucked. A lot of the perks of being curvaceous have to do mainly with boobage. If I lose boobage, I'm just... bulbous.
***A worse body description than bulbous I defy you to find. You won't. Nothing's worse than bulbous. NOTHING. And don't any of you try to tell me "moist" is a worse word. You'd all be liars.***
But I digress... With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I decided maybe I should sit down and write out a few things to be thankful for. I'm pretty sure most of you are doing this on Facebook in an effort to garner more likes and to convince people you're actually a very grateful person. I know you bastards better. It's okay. I'm not judging you. Not at all. I will, however, use you in my blog from time to time... So get over that.
I'm going to make a not-so-traditional list for you. A list of all of the guys I'm thankful for. All the ex-boyfriends, love interests, and friends. You're welcome.
#10. I'm thankful for the one that 'got away.' I mean, it's not really getting away if I didn't chase you down. Turns out you really were just a douchebag that fed off of my attraction and used me as a fill-in. Convenient. The worst thing you can be, and the one thing that made me punch you in the junk. Remember when that was an "accident?" Me too.
#9. I'm thankful for the one that tried to make me think I wasn't good enough. You... Oh, you were a really interesting person, weren't you? No matter how much I did, you always had something to remark upon. "Oh, you got a 96% on that test? It's a real shame you fucked up those other 4%, huh?" "Oh, leave it to a girl to not be able to connect a simple HDMI cord into the right port." Your jokes were intended to be funny, with a healthy dose of slap-in-the-face. I'm pretty sure you liked to remind me you were in charge and that you were a man. Except as it turns out, you have a really small penis. So... just a word of warning: if you've got a packing problem, maybe you should find something beneficial that you're really good at instead of being a doucheclown. I could have overlooked the small dick thing for a lovely personality. You don't have a personality at all. Unless you call disappointment personality.
#8. The one who was a better parent than I, and he had no children. Probably still a virgin, too. Remember that time you told me not to feed my toddler french fries because she'd choke to death and I'd be a baby murderer? And you were completely serious? And then you told me not to take my kid out in the cold because no matter what I dressed her in, she could catch pneumonia and what kind of parent does that? I remember, too. I'm willing to bet you're a serial killer now.
#7. I'm thankful for the one who told me I had 'pretty moments' and that I was sorta cute. Sorta cute, huh? Dude. I'm frickin' beautiful. Yeah, not usually immediately after I wake up and my face is all puffy and crazy, or after a hard night of working, or after just about any sweaty activity. Except for cops. My ass has been remarked upon by numerous creeps sitting at bus stops and by men with 4 kids hanging off of their Walmart carts. Obviously, that has to count for something.
#6. I'm thankful for the one who only came up to my shoulder. Just kidding, you were a real son of a bitch. I'm not thankful for you. I'm sticking with my height requirements from now on.
#5. I'm thankful for the one who always wanted me to come hang out, but would fall asleep before I got there. I'm thankful for you. You taught me that an asshole never stops being an asshole. Also, remember this for me, asshat- never offer someone money for coming out to see you, even if it's gas money. Seriously. If I was a hooker, you couldn't afford me.
#4. I'm thankful for the one who wanted to live in his aunt's basement forever. How's that basement doing? Your fucking dog still owes me for two pairs of flip flops, by the way. Do you need to set up a payment plan?
#3. I'm thankful for the one that gave me a gorgeous kid, and can't be bothered to send her a birthday card, or a facebook message. Or a text. Or a christmas card. Or a letter. Don't worry, I bought her a card for Christmas, and I'm going to send it for Christmas. I even signed your name. Some day, she's going to know you're a piece of shit father, but today is not that day. Nor is tomorrow. Nor is Christmas. I'll let you disappoint her yourself.
#2. I'm thankful for the one who called me fat. No, seriously. That was pertinent fucking information that completely changed the outcome of both my day and my life. Thanks. I wish someone had told me before.
#1. I'm thankful for the one who bought me a Nintendo DS for Christmas immediately after we had the discussion that I don't like video games of any sort. It doesn't require an explanation. But seriously. At 23 years old, handheld video games are kind of outgrown. My kid had more fun with it. I sincerely wish I'd taken the iPod when I left. I should have. You didn't deserve it. Remember what I wanted?! Remember what I asked you for? A necklace. Earrings. A vacation. I hope your cat-lady girlfriend lets all of her cats pee on your shit so you can have your mother wash your laundry.
I'm thankful for all of these guys. (: Know why? Because they were incredibly informative and educational, albeit disappointing in some cases, DICKS. And because frankly, they make excellent stories. And they make me feel better about being alone. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that sucks worse than driving a Smart Car in a blizzard. Also, because I can be like, "Hey! Douche! You're immortalized on the internets!!! As a douche! Wait, what is that? Did you hear it? Sounds like... Yeah, it is... The last laugh." Bitches, I got it.
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