How Long Have You Guys Known I Was Fat?!

I hate to admit this... But I'm probably not the greatest person in the world. It's been said a time or two, and I suppose I shall address some of my faults...

I laugh at inappropriate things, AND more importantly, times.

I think football is pretty amazing. I think hockey is neat. I would love to watch more UFC. Baseball can suck my dick. And basketball... Well, let's just say I wouldn't pay for them, but I'd take free tickets. 

I drink more beer than is socially acceptable, and with alarming frequency.

Wine is more of a breakfast drink for me.

I love to cook, and bake... and make bacon. And eat bacon.

I don't believe in folding clothes unless someone is seeing my bedroom(which no one EVER does. Don't know if that's good, or just fucking depressing.)

I exercise less than I should for my health.

I'm probably over-confident in my ability to make people laugh. 

And the fact I think I'm pretty friggin' AWESOME.

If these are the faults I can find with myself, with little or no forethought, why the hell is the go-to insult always to call me fat, or some form of it? I mean, do you REALLY think I'm unaware of my stature?

Yeah, I'm the only person in America who hasn't looked in a mirror lately. You nailed it, bitches! :)

Here's the deal- I've been fat my entire life. You're not going to change my self-opinion simply because you're obsessed with your own body size. I'm never going to be a size 6, and frankly, fuck you for telling me I need to be. Do you realize how ridiculous a notion THAT is? I cook waaaaaaay too fucking well to be a size 6. And truth is, there is no one in the world that is going to love me any less because of the size of my jeans. I assure you, my vagina works just fine, regardless of the size of my ass.

If you're going to insult me, tell me how unfunny I am. Treat me like I'm an idiot. Condescend to me. Call me a whore(bwahahahah, oh how funny that is!) But for crying out loud, stop calling me fat. It's like you're the reigning champion of fucktard comebacks. You may as well yell out the color of my hair, too. You know, since we're playing Captain Mu'fucking Obvious over here.

You know what else you can do? Accept that I'm fat. Accept that I don't really give a shit about that. Accept that I'm funny as hell. Accept that maybe, I AM gorgeous, however I choose to be. Because fuck you. Mainly because you aren't smart enough to come at me with anything better than "Hahaha You're fat," loaded into your jokes arsenal. You look like a douchekabob, and I for one, don't like you. But if you come up with a good insult, please let me know. I'd love to school you like the ignorant, napoleon-complexed little prick you are! <3 smooches, loves.

That's all.

Whoa. That felt great. :)