Cold Showers Can Suck It

 Remember back when you were younger, and telling someone you had to take a cold shower was akin to grinding on them and telling them how sexy they were? Yeah... Reality effing check. When you become an adult, you know, and live in the ghetto, taking a cold shower means something entirely less sexy. Like the little bastards have been playing in the water closet again. Or the ugly old crone in #7 has a date, incredibly, and has taken a shower hot enough to melt tread off of a truck tire for HOURS. Or, like the last time the water heater went down, the ghetto-bypass system the wonderfully educated maintenance man [that should be read as the complete and total fucktard who couldn't figure out his ass from a monkey wrench] has backfired and flooded the entire hallway and will now take 3 days to fix. 

 Living in the ghetto has its advantages. No one pays attention when you beat your kids. No one pays attention when you beat your wife(or your husband, who should have known better than to act a fool like that after the last beating you gave him). And no one pays attention when you want to steal someone else's car, or at the very least, just break into it. 

 Ah, cold showers... So, I've taken them for about two weeks now, mainly because I kind of like feeling clean, even if I really am not because cold water just makes you THINK you got clean. You really didn't. It's like washing without using soap. You're still a disgusting hot mess, you just think no one else can tell. They can tell. OH, they can tell...

 The last two weeks have been like, lukewarm showers. Tolerable. Not great but tolerable. The last shower I took was Wednesday morning. I know this because I had to go to work at 1, and I decided I should probably not be disgusting and gross, which was a good decision, because sometimes men with lots of money come in, and what if my rich old man comes in but I'm all scuzzy and unshowered? He's gonna leave me to wallow in my own personal hell that is working and school. Seriously. Serious. Business. 

I didn't take a shower yesterday before class, because I was running late, and frankly, I didn't want to be late. I HATE walking in late to anything. Class, work, doctor appointment, grocery shopping trip that I planned to happen at a certain time. I hate it. People look at you like you're the epitome of time-wasting, and roll their eyes. Don't roll your eyes at me, EVER. I will punch in the back of the head until your eyeballs pop out. 

 Anyway, I just assumed I'd take one when I got home. I mean, it's not like there's anything to impress in my classes, with the exception of the really hot guy in my psych class who complimented me on my nail polish. But really, I'm not even interested in impressing him. Hell, impressing anyone is entirely too much work and not something I am even interested in doing. I haven't shaved my legs in 3 weeks. Seriously. What kind of impression do you think I really give a shit about giving? 

I get home after skipping my spanish class with the deaf-as-a-doorknob-professor, and there's not hot water. It's ice fucking cold. It's not chilly, it's not a tad nipply, it's shards of ice tearing into my skin cold. I've never been so dirty as to think an ice cold shower would fix me. NEVER. So I waited to take one before class this morning. BAD DECISION. It was even COLDER. Like, I thought I was going to pass out cold. I couldn't even wash my hands it was so cold. HOW does water get that cold?! It's not possible! At some point it has to become ice, doesn't it? Not in my life, it doesn't. Instead, I skipped class. Seriously. 

 I haven't showered in 2 days, I haven't taken a hot shower in 2 weeks, I'm close to losing my ever-loving mind. All I want to do is take a shower and get clean. I feel like the grossest person imaginable. Obviously, I am not, since I don't have my own reality show or anything celebrating my grossness, but still. All I can think is how gross it feels to go for two days without washing my hair. And then it happens...

I turn on the water and there is HOT WATER!!! Hallelujah, praise the lord, fly the flag, and say a prayer or something. It was disgusting, brown, filthy, rust water. Seriously, Lord help me, only in MY life. Only in MINE. And let me tell you, I contemplated showering in that water. Because it was fucking hot. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to make me clean, but it was hot and I was desperate. I seriously contemplated how dirty it would make me to shower in rusty hot water. I mean, a girl has basic needs. To be clean. To be washed. To have semi-clean hair, which is something that I don't think most moms experience for the first 3 years of having children.

Just as I had nearly dedicated myself to the decision that I was going to shower in what looked mostly like shit water, the pipes must have taken pity on me and gone completely clear. And that, my friends, is what I call a glorious effing happening. Because it's beautiful to be clean. And mainly, to have clean hair. I could go without a shower for months if I could always have clean hair.

Also, I'm aware that this follows no logical train of thought. That's okay. You have come to expect this. If you haven't by now, well then. You're obviously a little bit on the slow side. Go back and read from the beginning. I NEVER make sense. ;)