Dear Men:

It seems to me that we need a list laid out of rules for dating, so that we can all be on the same page. It's terribly frustrating trying to read people if we're in completely different chapters. So, I'm going to take that bullet for the team. I'll be the one who lays that shit out there for you all. 

Here's the first, most basic truth- Girls are easy. To understand, I mean. Not easy to sleep with. Well, some of us are... Some of us pass our vaginas around the neighborhood circle like it's a lost puppy flyer. Others of us make it so difficult to get into our pants, you'd think we'd need a crowbar to take them off. Yeah. Bitches be crazy, yo. Hold onto that statement. You'll hear it again.

Second truth- if you take us out, and pay for everything, we're inclined to think it's a date. Just so you're aware. Friends don't often go out and pay for each other. If you ask us out multiple times, we really start thinking it's dating. Just saying. And don't fight us to pay the bill. We are capable of it. We will pay it. We can pay it. We want to pay it. Stop pretending to be chivalrous. You're really not. I had to open my own damned door, for crying out loud. By the way, always open doors. If you don't, you're automatically off the second date list. 

Third truth- we will over-think EVERYTHING. We just DO. We will agonize over what you say and how you said it, and the thirty meanings it might have. And we'll inevitably ask 35 close girlfriends what you meant by it.

Fourth truth- We will send you a zillion text messages, and get pissed when you don't respond, because what else could you possibly be doing that involves not answering your goddamn phone? I KNOW you have it on you all the time for work, don't tell me you don't. But if you send us a zillion text messages? You're fucking clingy and have to go. "Hi." "Whatcha doin?" "Where ya at?" "What's up?" Don't do that shit. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Women freak over that shit. They start thinking you have nothing else to do. Possibly faking having a job. Living in your mother's basement and internet-stalking us. Installing gps in our cars so you can randomly 'run into us' at the store/gym/park. We don't like that.

Fifth truth- Ignoring our calls or text messages turns us into raging fucking stalk-aholics. If you're seeing someone else, or you just aren't interested... JUST SAY IT. You had balls enough to ask us out, have balls enough to say we're just friends from here on out. Because here's what we do- Hmmm... I sent him 4 texts today... Maybe I should send him more. No, I don't want to be weird. Well, wait, maybe he'll see how excited I am to talk to him, and he'll text back? No, I'll call. 14 times. But he won't know it's me every single time. I won't leave a message. I'm sure he's the only human in the world left that doesn't have caller ID. Maybe I'll go see if he's working... If his car is there, I'll just go in. I mean, I can make up a reason for why I was there. Right? That's normal? I can do that. I can just go in, casually bump into him, we'll chitchat, make plans for another date soon. Right? That's totally what I'll do. If he's not there... I'll drive by his house. I mean, maybe he's there. And if there's another car there that looks like it belongs to another girl, I'm going to march up to his door and give him a piece of my fucking mind. No one gets to treat me like crap... I'm not a toy to be played with and yanked around... OH! HE TEXTED ME BACK!!! He loves me... Seriously, guys. JUST. fucking. TELL US. No one likes being ignored, and no one wants to be your boredom buster. Don't be a douchenozzle.

Sixth truth- we know within 10 minutes of talking to you whether we'll sleep with you. EVER. If it takes six dates for us to even kiss you, trust me, we're not interested, and we're being complete assholes by not telling you. A throat punch would be acceptable in this instance. 

Seventh truth- we flirt. A lot. I don't know why, just that some of us do it more often and without forethought than others. I personally flirt a LOT. And if you are willing to talk to me about The Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit, and any number of other nerdy shit I am interested in, then yes. I will flirt like hell with you. I'll very possibly fall madly in love with you if you can use the different forms of 'their' and 'your' correctly. Typically, if we flirt with you repeatedly, and we are unattached, it means we are interested. So stop being weird. Stop flirting back if you're not interested. Asshat. Also, we flirt to get things we want. Well, some of us do. I personally don't,  but this is a general guide, not a guide for how to date me. I just like to throw random bits of awesome in there about myself so I seem pretty great, in case someone is reading this and thinks, she seems kind of cool... 


Eighth truth- Bitches be crazy, yo. We are. We ALL are. If she tells you she isn't like other girls, she is EXACTLY like other girls. If she tells you she hates drama, she starts most of it. If she tells you she doesn't get along with other girls, it's usually because she's uncomfortable with herself, and you will spend the majority of your relationship convincing her you're not cheating on her, or that she's beautiful to you. Look for girls who tell you what they are, as opposed to what they are not. And for god's sake, BELIEVE THEM when they tell you they're a bitch. Because you're going to do that "Oh, no, you're not a bitch. You're just honest. And that's cool," thing that all guys do, and when it turns out, no, she's right, she really is a bitch, you're going to look stupid. Hoo-rah, dumbass. 


Ninth truth- never trust a girl's birth control pills. There's a reason there are condoms. And there's a reason that she ooh's and aaaaah's at every baby that passes. If you leave it to pills, eventually, shit's gonna get fucked up. And I don't want to hear about how your life is over because you got some crazy ass baby-mama-drama shit going on. Because believe me, been there, done that. You could have figured that shit out. Prevention, moron, prevention.


Tenth truth- Be prepared to learn that the person you started dating isn't the person you really ARE dating. Some girls install a filter until we think we have you in our clutches, and then we unleash this incredibly different personality. Yeah, I know, it's totally confusing, and how the hell can you tell? Well, truth be told, I have no idea. All I can tell you is that you just read this entire thing, and are probably no more knowledgeable about women than you were when you started. Yeah, that's how I roll. Oh, and one more thing- a single flower is probably the sweetest thing ever. Girls love getting flowers. Single flowers say, "I was driving past a field of flowers, and thought of you, and I had to stop and grab it for you." Yeah, guaranteed awesome points. You're welcome for that.