I'm ending my morning workout, walking to cool down and approaching my stretching spot when I see this lady walking her dog through my parking lot. Now she's a classy lady, wearing a fur coat(should have been my first clue she was a doucheprechaun) and high heels, and her Dior sunglasses.
Who does that? This isn't the concrete jungle, lady, there's plenty of grass around here.
So she's walking her dog, and carrying a plastic bag that was obviously the clean up bag... You know, for STUFF. It seemed pretty full, so I figured she was going to throw it in the dumpster, like a responsible human being.
HAH! You ever have one of those moments where you want to slap yourself for being so stupid? Me, too. Because I was an idiot to think she would be a decent person.
She walked to the dumpster, flung the poo-bag over her head, and it landed against the side of the dumpster, and exploded EVERYWHERE. I'll be honest, I was impressed she had that much range of motion for being old... But I digress.
She looks dead at me, and she knows I saw her. She sticks her nose in the air, and everything in me wished she hit a patch of ice and broke her hip, truth be told.
The dumpster looks like a shit massacre, dammit. A SHIT FUCKING MASSACRE. It was like she followed her dog for two weeks and saved that shit up. It was horrible. It was on the ground. It was on the dumpster. It was on the fence. It was on the lid... Like someone set off a shit howitzer.
The smell... Atrocious. I'd have believed it if you told me SHE had been shitting in that bag for 2 weeks. I've never smelled dog poop so horrendous in my life. But I know old folks poo. And that definitely could have been it..
So I look at her, then at the shit massacre. Back to her. Back to the massacre. Back to her. Back to the massacre. Back to her. I had my own personal Old Spice Man on a Horse commercial going on right in front of me, except there wasn't a horse, or a sexy man wearing a towel. Just a senile old lady wearing animal carcasses as a fashion statement.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Lady?" She is staring straight at me, like she can't believe I am even talking. "You couldn't just lift the lid like everybody else and throw it in? You had to launch it like a fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Fucking Balloon* made of lead and make it explode all over the place?"
This is where it gets funny as hell.
She grips her dogs leash really tight to her chest, like I'm about to steal her fat ass Labrador, and says, "Well, I NEVER."
"Yeah, well I never wanted to break an old lady's hip before, but by God, I'm fighting the urge to right now." I take a step towards her, and she damn near takes off running.
When you're 5 foot nothing, and you piss off an Amazon, you should probably just accept that you're going to have to run.
I haven't seen her since... I keep hoping she is sitting in terror inside her house when I go on my morning run, praying I don't see her through the windows. Because if I ever do find out where she lives, I'm taking a shit on her porch.
*It might have been Macy's Fucking Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon, or some other variation. But there was definitely a reference to a balloon and it utilized the excessive 'fucking.'
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