Granny Panties

Y'all want a laugh? Okay, well, today took the cake. Because I damn near pissed my pants. I was walking down a hill on the main road by my house, because it's icy, and let's face it. I'm top heavy.
 I don't want to fall and break my face.

And because my side hurt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. But that's not necessary to the story. I'm just a sharer. 


 So anyway, I'm slowly walking, holding my side, singing Kellie Pickler "The Best Days of Your Life" or whatever it's called, rather loudly. Not my best moment, but fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. 


 And suddenly, I feel something push up against my butt. Not just caress, or momentarily grasp, no. PRESSED UP AGAINST MY ASS. I had that momentary flash where I was pretty certain I was about to be raped, and I made a deal with God that if I would always wear Granny Panties during my workout if he helped me break this jerk's face.  

 Since I have my headphones in, I had no idea anyone was around me... Of course, I did what any typical, red blooded woman would do that is out, by herself, in the middle of a neighborhood: I screamed at the top of my lungs and flung my entire body around to put as much leverage behind my fist as possible... And was met with air. There was nothing there but AIR.


 I mean, some women probably would have screamed, "FIRE!" or something... I dunno. I'm classier than that, I suppose. And I've never been the type to wait for someone to come running to save me... Like that time my house was on fire, so I ran to the Fire Station because I felt like it was taking the firemen too long to get there. I was 13... But that's another story... For another day. 

And I look down, and there's this gorgeous German Shepard who had decided to come walk with me for a block or two, and I hadn't even noticed him... So... he apparently decided to get my attention. And HOW. I almost peed my pants in front of God and everybody standing at the bus stop two blocks down. I'm a sucker for a dog, but mostly adorable, friendly dogs who just scream "Take me home with you!"


 I wanted to punch him in the face, I can't lie. You can't just walk up and grab on some girl's butt because you want to say hello. I don't care how cute you are. Well, unless you're Seth Rogan... I would let him do that. Because he's adorable. And funny. Also, Jonah Hill, before he got skinny. Because I like chubby guys. And skinny Jonah Hill loses his comedic value. You think I  would be this funny if I were skinny? Hell no. I got this funny because I was fat. Had to stand out somehow... Oh, look, I've gotten totally off subject. Imagine that... sorry.


  So, back to the story- unfortunately, I knew where he lived, so I couldn't take him... Damn it. Boy, I bet that guy is PISSED that the dog he bought all those "BEWARE OF DOG" and "DOG WILL BITE" signs for doesn't bite, he just molests unsuspecting women.


Why does this shit happen to me? Hell if I know... But I share because I care, and maybe I can assist you in your life, somehow. But if you pee your pants at work while reading this- That's on you. I will NOT clean that up. I do enough of that. And now I have to go ask God if I really have to wear Granny Panties all the time when I go running or not, since it wasn't really a Rape in Progress, and he didn't really help me break the guy's face in... I'm pushing for no. That shit will look ridiculous...