I'm no one special. In fact, the numerous people who walk past me everyday and don't even acknowledge my existence can definitely attest to my lack of extraordinary-ness. In their defense, I don't acknowledge them, either.
I've found if you make eye contact, it encourages the stalker within, and suddenly some guy named Thomas Warburton is planning your future, complete with fairy princess wedding gowns, Las Vegas honeymoons full of strippers and cheap whiskey, and four snot nosed brats with your face and his (lack of) brains who ruin every nice thing you try to own in your RV/house. I've always wanted to travel... But I meant more as a hobby, not a way of life
.
Again, off track. Sorry about that. Sometimes, I say things, which lead to other things, which then start these conversations with myself that mean absolutely nothing to anyone but myself and occasionally one or two other people, but everyone else is absolutely lost. Just try to hold on, and laugh a little, okay?
So back to the awesomeness that is my lack of specialness- I wish it were real. Okay? I do. I wish I was invisible to everyone BUT the ones I would like to be seen by. I don't quite know when it started... It just happened. I woke up one day, and suddenly, people STARED at me.
Let me be clear- it wasn't the good, sexy, hot people that stare. It's the damned creeps. It's the ones who look like they go to the movies and go from seat to seat, picking up fallen hairs and saving them to weave them into a life-size companion to watch television with. THAT is the kind of love that follows me.
Oh, you find this funny? Of course you do. Let me tell you a story about when I realized I had a problem with weirdos...
There was a guy who decided to message me on Facebook and ask me out. Don't do that. That makes you a douchezilla, and it also makes me want to beat the shit out of you. I will never date a guy who asks me out over Facebook. That's not cool.
Actually, he didn't ask me out over facebook messages. Noooooo. He did so over comments. On a status of mine. Where God and fucking everyone could see it. "I was wondrin if mebbe u wanna go out sumtime.' Are you fucking kidding me? No, dammit, I do NOT. You can't even spell sometime properly!
Then there was the guy who I was friends with outside of Facebook, who kept asking me out and kept asking me out. I literally spelled it out for the man- how obvious do I gotta be? So one day, I just got sick and tired. So I tell him, look, I'm in love with this other guy. I don't want to date you.
That should have ended it.
Except, this is MY life story. So of course it didn't end it. The bastard MESSAGED my best friend and told him exactly what I had said, when I had said it, why I had said it... Ugh. Basically, this guy seriously had some crazy stalker issues. My poor best friend was terrified that I was really in love with him... That poor kid. I almost felt sorry for him. It took weeks before he realized I really was using him as an excuse to avoid dating the loony bin.
Believe me, I could go on. And on. And on. And on. I attract nutters. Lunatics. Crazies. And stalkers. :) Yay, me.
My latest? This completely adorable guy from Walmart. Damn if he isn't just flippin' adorable. He's got really, really pretty eyes, which is probably why I didn't realize he was a creeper at first.
(I know there's a couple of you who think you know where I'm going with this, or who I am talking about. HAH! No you don't.)
Bless this man's heart, he's a credit to the company. Unless I'm there shopping. Then he turns into a fucking ninja, running around endcaps, hiding by sidestacks to watch me select cereal... It's just weird. And it all started because I asked him where I could find the ground turkey meat.
I just wanted ground turkey. That was it. It was the first of the month(yes, I know better, okay, I really do...) and it was insane. I tried as hard as I could to find it myself, but finally broke down and realized I'd have to aske if there was any in the back if I wanted to accomplish what I set out to do. So I walked up to the man working the meat wall(insert dirty, meat-handling double entendre here) and politely asked if he could help me find something. He looked up, stared for a minute, and then kind of looked away and back again, like he wasn't sure I was talking to him.
"No, sir, I was asking the fresh turkeys behind you for help. Please stop interrupting our conversation. Weirdo."
"Yeah, I can help you with anything you need. Anything at all. What can I do for you?" He's got this big ass grin on his face... All I notice is that he has really pretty eyes, but he needs to stop using them to inspect my boobs.
So, he gets me what I ask for, and I forget he exists. I mean, come on... I was on a fucking mission, okay?
I come back to the store the next week, and I'm grabbing cheese, and he damn near runs over a three year old in his haste to ask if I need anything. "Um, no, I don't think so. Thanks." Everytime I turned down an aisle, I would see him watching me throughout the grocery section. Frankly, I was unaware I was watchable in yoga pants and a tshirt, but shit... Apparently I'm sexy and I didn't know it. :)
The basic message here is- the meat department guy is stalking me in walmart, so sometimes I throw really weird shit into my cart to scare him. Like the biggest bottle of lube I can find(or three) and humongous cucumbers. Because, shit... This guy is really annoying. You should have seen his eyes when he saw those... Sadly, I think it backfired, and now he just thinks I'm freaky like that.
Really, I am not. Cucumbers never held any sexual thrills for me, but I don't judge you if they do. I will just laugh at you.
So... anyway... I forgot what I was supposed to be writing about here. I'm sorry. I don't even know where I was trying to go with this... Just that it is what it is, and frankly... You shouldn't make eye contact with anyone unless you want them to stalk you. Because they probably will.
No comments:
Post a Comment