Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Parenting

This is where I tell you that I love my kid unconditionally. And that she's the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And that I can't imagine my life without her, and that I wouldn't want to. This is where I am going to tell you the one thing that every parent secretly wants to admit-

That is bullshit. There are exceptions to each of those rules. 

#1. I love my kid. She's the smartest little kid I know. She's a four foot tall sassy-pants that is actually pretty damn close to being an exact replica of her mother. Which is why I know these next 12 years are going to be the hardest of my life. And there is a very good chance that both of us will go into her teenage years, but only one of us will come out on the other side. 

 I love her to pieces. But unconditionally? I gotta draw the line somewhere... Nail polish painting on the dining room wall? Hmmm, fixable. Okay. That's a minor beating, probably with a tree branch or something. Telling me she's a Packers fan when she's mad, because she wants to incite a riot? Unforgivable. We no longer recognize her birthday in our house. She can find some adoptive Packer parents to do that for her. While they're at it, they can buy her college education, as well. I will not be party to educating a terrorist. (Yes, I can say this. Because I hate The Packers. Get over it, whine baby.)

#2. She's one of the greatest things I've ever done with my life, that much is certain. I mean, shit, look around me. Really? That's not saying much. It's not like I'm the President or anything... I am, however, kind of like royalty. On the internet. Classy. ;) But no, really. She's a credit to me. I still have time to screw her up, but I think she's pretty normal based on her parentage. But I wouldn't say she was the greatest thing ever to 'happen to me.' I'd probably put firework orgasms there... Or pecan pie. I fucking love pecan pie. Oh, or getting to go to the Bears game last October. That could definitely be up there on the-greatest-things-ever-to-happen-to-me list. Aw, hell, this could be a long list... I should probably start rethinking my list if I have sex, pecan pie and Bears football on the same one.

 I wonder if I could ever have all three at once... Would that be weird? Or do I just seem like a freak now? Meh. I don't care. I'd do it.

#3. I can't imagine my life without her. <---- This is a total lie. I can see it. And some days, when I'm home all alone, I pop open a bottle of wine, sink into a hot tub, and I pretend I live in a world where I am childless, and I own nice things, and every car I've ever owned doesn't have at least 3/4 of a small order of fries stuffed down into the back seat. I wouldn't have to hide my nail polish from the painting patrol, and I could throw my bras wherever I wanted, without fear of Mini-Me wearing them on her head to greet the neighbors, or shoving them in her backpack to take to school for show and fucking tell. I wouldn't be forced to watch Dora until I want to gouge my own eyes out and stab my eardrums to ward off the "D-D-D-D-D-D-DORA!"

Oh, yeah, and I'd have awesome boobs again. That little shit took them with her when she left the inner waterbed. I'm sending her a bill for an augmentation when she turns 18. 

The important thing to remember is that this is all a huge conspiracy. People act like the love being parents so that everyone else will do it, too, and they won't have to be miserable alone. You're welcome. You can tell your friends about me. Or, you can write in the comment box down there that you think I'm insane and need my medication. You're probably right.