Traffic Courtesy, Mother F#cker. Use It.

I know, there was a swear word in the title. I'm sorry. But only kind of. Honestly. I am usually a bubbly, lovely, adorable ray of sunshine in others' lives. BUT when you get me behind the wheel of a car? I turn into a raging, fucking maniac...

I am pretty sure my Driver's Ed course wasn't specific to just me. I'm fairly certain that I didn't get a special class, with heavy emphasis on turn signals and proper lane usage. So why am I the only fucker doing both? Seriously... I HATE driving anymore. And there was a time when it was the only soothing thing I knew of. Now I just drink... and sing. Sometimes I drink AND sing. At the same time. I wish I could say that ends well, but it doesn't, and if I said it, well... I'm a shitty liar. 


I have a LOT of annoyances with people. I'm easily annoyed... mainly by dumb people. But turn signals? Oh, goodness graciousness. I want to beat people for failure to utilize something that keeps me from having to read your pathetically little mind. Since slamming your fucking Prius across four lanes is apparently the new 'cool' thing to do, and everybody's doing it, I suggest you all use your goddamn turn signals. Because here's another rule of the road I bet they never taught you in Driver's Ed, but they should have-
"Whoever has less to lose will always have right of way."
And let me tell you, the way I see it, I always have less to lose. I won't slam on my brakes to keep from hitting you. If you come over into my lane without enough room to really do so, I will hit you. I think you deserve a warning. I'll tap you first, then hit the gas and slam into you. You're welcome.

And am I the only one who listened when they said, "Do not pull out into traffic unless you know you have enough room to do so safely," because slow ass cars waiting until I'm only about 100 feet from them, and THEN pulling out in front of me and failing to accelerate make me feel super stabby. Like, spork stabby. Hell, rusty butterknife stabby. Don't do that. Don't do that shit. I will fuck you up. I will NOT stop. You do NOT want to bet your life on my fucking brakes and my reaction times. Because I promise, I will make you piss your pants by how late I decide to brake. 


Oh, and when you're on the highway, keep your slow ass in the right lane. If I have to pass your slow ass in the right lane, I'm going to make inappropriate gestures at you while your kids watch. Because you need to move the slow train to the appropriate track. It's illegal to stay in the left lane for longer than one mile unless you're passing anyway, so if I was a cop, you'd be fucked. And I wouldn't be nice about it, either. I'd totally give you the ticket. Just to ruin your damn day. 


Another thing I friggin' hate is when everyone is leaving a parking lot, and there's one asshole who is bound and determined not to allow ANYONE into the exit line. You and I both know someone let you in. Okay? The courteous thing is to allow cars in, one at a time. Each person lets one person in. Pretty simple. Don't be a dick. Don't be a damn assbag, just be courteous. Yeah, Mr. BJ III license plates from Wisconsin in the obviously-small-genitals-compensating-truck... Congratulations on winning the prize of getting to the highway one car-length before me. Guess what you won? An hour and a half sitting behind a ten car pile-up. Yeah, I read about it today... And I laughed. I'm pretty stoked I took the back roads. Being a dick rarely goes unrewarded. Go ahead and carry that lesson with you. Oh, and by the way, your plate, "BJ" is obviously wishful thinking. I'm going to guess it's been a few decades since your last blowjay. 


Whew... do I feel better. Mainly because I feel like maybe one or two people will read this, and stop pissing me off. There's always something positive to say about every situation. Some situations just take longer to evaluate. Seriously. Use your fucking turn signal. Because if you don't, I will break it off and shove it up your ass. Thanks. ;)