I haven't written a blog in what seems like forever, which is really probably a gross exaggeration of time but I haven't really got the desire to care about that. The truth is, I've been busy. I've been preoccupied. I've been really, really sore. (Get your minds out of the gutter, you jerks. It's nothing like that.)
So, last week I damn near broke my hand in the car, because I dropped my ID and my credit card between the seat and the door. I went to grab it, and my fat ass hand got stuck between the seat and the floorboards, and then once I managed to wrench it free, I realized my ring was caught on the plastic liner between the carpet and the door frame. I yank my hand out, and I almost ripped my finger off, because my ring wasn't at all happy about releasing the plastic runner. Bitch. So that was all purple-y and gross looking.
Thank god it wasn't my middle finger. Nothing takes the sting out of being flipped off like being flipped off by a bruised middle finger.
Then I bought new sneakers, because I felt like I deserved them. I probably don't, but I have deluded myself into accepting the purchase, so don't try to change my mind. First time I wear them out in public, I literally slid across the floor because for some reason, the damn soles were slippery as hell... So that was fun. It was interesting, until I threw my back out. Who throws their back out at 25? I don't know... So I decided to do it. Why not? I mean, it's just a back.
And then, to top it ALL off, I went to dinner with one of the most hilarious friends I have, H, and I wrote little notes to myself about all the great conversations we were having, so I could write an entire blog about the crazy conversations I have with my friends, and... duh dum... duh dum... duh dum... I couldn't remember for the life of me what any of the little notes meant. "I've got an extra ring... You guys hungry?" That's all one of the notes said.
::Note to self:: When writing notes about conversations, please be detailed. No one gets the joke if they can't remember the situation. Dumbass.
H and I have pretty much determined it was a joke about feeding the boobs when I go out to eat, but still... There were a lot of great jokes in that dinner, and frankly, the biggest lie I have ever told myself, and continue to believe, is "I'll remember this. No need to write it down." Complete fabrication. I will NEVER remember it, and you'd think I would know this by now. I'm 25. And I only know that because I looked at the calendar. I can't remember shit, except for major holidays and December 7th, 1941. That's the date WWII started, right?
Not being able to remember dates is a real bitch, because when I'm filling out applications, I might have 10 applications that all say different dates of working at different places. It's a real pain in the ass, let me tell you. And no one ever believes you're just a calendar idiot. They think you're a fucking wondertard who is trying to pull a fast one by falsifying dates. I promise, even I'm not that fucktarded. And I've had some moments. Believe me...
Like, the time I got caught by two Wisconsin state troopers engaging in a very lively air-drumming solo to "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Yeah, we've all done it. Not all of us at 72 mph, but what the hell. You only live once. Go down in a blaze of glory. Of course, to be fair, I wasn't really in any danger... I was totally driving with my knees and my hands, though they were air-drumming at the same time.
Now, some cops are anal-retentive asshats that feel like they have something to prove because they've been graced with a gun and an awesome-as-fuck hat. Not these two. Nope. I had my sunroof open, music blaring, and they could tell I was feeling the music. One of them gives me the 'yup, we've been there' wink, while the other is just grinning like a fool. I dunno what they thought I was doing, or what I must have looked like, but I really hope they could hear the song. Because otherwise, they just thought I was a spastic idiot, and I want them to know there was a method to the madness. A Phil-fucking-Collins method.
And yes, this did happen about two days ago... That's what I mean by "like the time." It means really recently, like possibly yesterday. Isn't that what it means to everyone? :)
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