THIS ONE IS GOING TO OFFEND YOU. Fair warning.

I haven't written here in over a week. I feel like a disappointment. 


I'd say I was sorry about that, but I feel like you guys totally should have seen this coming. I never see shit through, why would I stick with this? 


This has been a really crazy week for me... I mean, the Chinese delivery man who has already seen my underroo-clad backside visited me again, I got a great fortune cookie fortune that basically told me to start writing up restraining order paperwork, and I ended up having to put new windshield wipers on my car, because, for the third year in a row, I have snapped my driver's side wiper trying to clean the ice and snow build up off of it. One of these years, I'ma learn not to do that...
   


**Anyone else have issues typing windshield? I type it wrong EVERY TIME. It always ends up windshiled, and not windshield. It might be because I'm slightly retarded, but I like to think it's just because I'm badass and my fingers get going too fast for my brain to catch up. I can't be the only one it happens to. And it happens every single time. Not sometimes. Not once in a while. EVERY time. Please tell me I am not alone.**




I actually have a real topic to write on this week... It's called 'Don't Be a Whiny Little Bitch.'


I know, you're excited. It's going to make you laugh. It's going to make you cry. It's going to change your life.


I have a facebook. I post stupid shit on there ALL THE TIME. I'm quite funny, if I may say so myself. And I can say so myself, because this is my page, and I am the only one who writes on here. So you can suck it, Trebek. 


Here is what I said- 
Dear Beautiful Ladies that find it necessary to line their lips with dark liner and fill it in with light lipstick,

YOU look effing retarded. You remember the singer, Selena, right? She did that shit. You know what happened to her? She DIED. Yeah. Keep that in mind. I'm not above saving this world one ghetto-boo looking woman at a time... 

♥ Me

 I will not apologize for laughing my ass off at how funny I am. I said it. Out loud. On Facebook. In front of God and everybody. So please, feel free to judge me for that.

 You're going to be here a long-ass while. Just FYI.

So truth of the matter is, I fucking HATE when women line the outside of their lips darker than their lipstick. I hate it. I know it was a big deal back in the 90's or some shit, right? I don't know. I know I used to do it, because I thought I was cool. (And I thought I could be a Fly Girl like Jennifer Lopez someday. Turns out I'm not Latina enough to be Jennifer Lopez Who the fuck knew?) Truth is... I wasn't then. I'm not now, either, but I get style points for NOT lining my lips like a douchetard.

Seriously, folks. This shit is ugly. And your eyebrows also look fucktarded like that, but you know what? That isn't my biggest complaint. So you can keep doing that until I write a blog about it. But that is one of my good friend E's complaints. So you really should knock that shit off. Because he likes women. But not bitches that look like hand-drawn cartoons. And I think someone needs to hook that brother up.

Sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into this, E... I just went with it. It fit with the picture. 


So, yeah, I hate this look. I hate it so much, I want to hit people with my car that look like this. I won't, because I love Bertha. And she's been fairly good to me on days that don't end in Y. On those days, she's a real C-U-Next-Tuesday. (That's my favorite swear. I will call anyone that. Male. Female. I love it. It's really the only swear that still has any shock value to it, and by God, I want shock value.)


Anyway, really, I say shit. All the time. It's usually true stuff. Stuff everyone is thinking, but no one else actually vocalizes. Well, hell. Not me. I bust in there like a rogue elephant, just stomping all over people's feelings and saying what I want. Because maybe it will save the children. Why doesn't anyone else think of the children? 


Well, anyway, NONE of this is what this blog was actually about. It is actually about the fact that there is ALWAYS someone who is out to save the world from me, and gets offended that I dare point out the funny in the world. 


"Is that supposed to be funny? Are you saying she was killed because of her makeup and not by someone who was supposed to care about her?" 

Look here, Whiny McSuckitTrebekFace. It's a joke. Don't look a giggle-gift horse in the mouth. Just take it, laugh, and shut the fuck up. I'm sorry you are obviously offended by the fact that I don't like your chosen method of liner application. Guess what? That shit sucks. 


"Close your eyes and love the person on the inside." I'm closing my eyes and claiming a self-fulfilling prophecy that you run face-first into a wall of spikes. It's a joke, again, and at some point, you really have to let go. I'm all for love, peace, and happiness... But don't be a jackass. You don't like it? Hide it. You don't think I'm funny? Don't LOL. Didn't make you giggle? Then move along, nothing to see here, folks. 


I HATE when there is a fun-hater in the audience. No one asked you to come to the show. No one begged you and said, "PLEASE! Come critique these jokes, because I have no intelligent friends to do so, so I thought I would ask your opinion." Nope. No one did that. No one actually cares. Everyone thinks you're just a bitter, humorless asshat who got lost on their way to the restroom, and needed a seat to hide the wet spot where you pissed your pants. 


So, please, friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears... If you're a fun-hater, you're a fucking douchetard. And douchetards should wear signs. 


You're welcome.