Now I Don't Want To Be An Asshole...

BUT it just kind of happens. :)

I've decided I have a mental deficiency of some sort. I mean, seriously, do normal people sit around and actually write out rambling, obscene electronic journal entries and get a perverse sense of pleasure in knowing that other people actually read and enjoy them? Good gravy, it's like when I used to write outrageous entries in my diary, just because I knew my mother would sneak a peek at it and I wanted to teach her a lesson about being a doucheclown. 

Seriously, parents, don't do that shit. If you tell your kid to write their feelings in a private journal, keep your creeper self out of it. You're an asshat if you read it without permission. A SNEAKY asshat. And the shame involved in that is pretty intense.


 What specifically convinced me I have mental a personality issue? Well... sometimes I say things. Really off the wall things. Things that are hilarious, and would probably get me kicked off of a comedy tour for being too crude. But they are hilarious, nonetheless. 


I'm going to post a couple things that I have said... Out loud. To another person. (Or I typed it... But even so, I'd have said it out loud, so it still counts. Stop judging.) Just remember folks, I say shit like this ALL DAY. I gots no shame, y'all. ;)


"Who doesn't want a 3some with Charlie Sheen and that guy from The Mighty Ducks films? I mean, really? Anyone who says that's a DP scene they'd rather avoid is a lying little bitch." (By the way, THAT guy is Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen's brother... The only one in his family who didn't sell out to Hollywood to become a big douchenozzle actor... Good job, Martin and Charlie. Way to leave your son and brother out in the cold.)

"Glitter and rhinestones, baby... glitter and rhinestones. Nothing says "DTF" and "Ready to Casually Make Bad Decisions" like glitter, the herp of the craft world."

"Someone needed a bat upside the bitchy side of their head. OBVIOUSLY they were ugly bitches."

"I might become an alcoholic if you can make a drink that tastes like cinnamon toast crunch..."

Yeah... so, um, that's me... In a nutshell. And mind you, that's literally just a few examples of the crazy that is my brain. 

I know you're jealous... I mean, how can you not be? This is what I live with, day in, and day out... It's a constant stream of "Party all the time, Party all the time..." If you didn't picture Eddie Murphy singing that song and doing his awkward dance, then you and I can't be friends anymore. 

Seriously. My head is like a massive swimming pool of random song lyrics, just waiting to break free at any moment, with the slightest provocation... I just sang "I want to break freeeeeeee!" while typing that sentence. It's a hot mess in there.

Oh, by the way, I went grocery shopping today. You're welcome.