Random Things I Say

Here's an entire post dedicated to the incredibly insane things I say, think, or feel. Occasionally do. Just because I feel that you have earned this. You're welcome. And you can't use them without quoting me. Sorry. I have it in writing here that it's my intellectual property. Keep walking.






Ummm... I'm too tall to be a hunch back, too fast to be a gimp walker, too smart to be an 'ex-con'... Looks like I'm winning the mentally impaired trophy, bro...


 JW-It takes two to dance, and 3 to make Jerry Springer.
Deb M- But it only takes one call to make it on Cops...


Honey, don't bring your drama to my stage. You don't have the players to back the production, and frankly it'd be like seeing a high school troupe on Broadway. Keep it moving.


 Kids are dumb. I'll be the one who says it. Ok? I will. I'll take that bullet for the team.


We have rules about how to slide down a slide nowadays. What the hell ever happened to survival of the fittest? Kids went down the slide headfirst, and the survivors were touted as heroes amongst children, while those who broke their faces were considered 'damaged'. Seriously, you're creating a bunch of sissies, America.


Social networking is the gateway to hell, and I'm pretty sure I'm carrying a handbasket to keep my laptop in. It's the curse of my generation...


Some people get passionate about starving kids, or homing the homeless. Not me. Punctuate the period-less sentences and make a difference in THEIR lives!


Badly desires a lawn gnome in a mankini for her patio. Because lawn gnomes in mankinis mean you have a reckless side, like breakfast... FOR DINNER.


$3.33 per gallon of gas. Waffle Houses on each corner. Complete disregard for the importance of turn signals and proper lane changing rules. Yep. Must be in Kentuckessee.


I hate when people ask for my opinion on something... You know I'm going to tell you you look like you got gang-banged by the SE kids in the art classroom, and you're going to hate me for it. How about you just don't ask, and we'll both just know it was my answer?


I find it ironic that the picture next to the suggestion for the Facebook fanpage "RIP RYAN DUNN" is a picture of him laying passed out next to a beer can. Tactful, Facebook. This is why I think you and I could really be friends. We're both assholes.


Sitting down, singing "Unfaithful" at the top of my lungs...
Dax: This is why I am surprised you have friends.
Me: Why? Because I sing bad?
D: No, because you sing all the time... Like, more than average people.


It's an odd sense of relief when you can pee in a lighted room, as opposed to guesstimating in the dark...


How does Barney spell learning? F-U- yeah, I wasn't expecting N to come next either...


Oftentimes, I wonder what redeeming qualities you do have, if any... At least I'm a pretty asshole.


Spent the better part of an hour trying not to flash my panties at folks in the funeral home... Only to come out to the car, lose my ever-loving mind and sit full on the leather seats and burn my EVERYTHING in the mysterious down under... I definitely flashed someone when I jumped out of the car. I'm sorry. Thank god they're fancy pants today.


I like how Facebook allows me to "hide" all posts by idiotic people who can't stop posting Farmville sh!t. I also like how it kindly suggests I unfriend them. While I appreciate your concern, Facebook, mind your own damn business. I want these morons to know I was annoyed by their dedication to a fantasy world.




In case you were unaware, sometimes... I'm a total jerkface.